• Neil Richardson

Will-i-Nivver No More

Will-I-Nivver were a group of five idiots (including WSB’s very own Norbert and Gaz) that recorded, promoted and distributed the Barnsley Football Club’s official Wembley JPT final song. Between them they raised £750 for BIADS which has also been promised to be matched by Patrick Cryne himself. But what will happen to these lads after all the fanfare has died down? We contacted our resident psychic Derek Pakora to see into the future…

With the impeding feeling that the world may never be the same again, I sit in this small corner of the Joseph Brammah bar in Barnsley and contemplate what may face me. The fall from grace for one of history’s most influential creative groups to their ultimate and cataclysmic demise at the hands of the very culture that they were so desperate to avoid in the early days. One which ultimately ate them up and chewed them, before spitting them out to land under an archway next to Greggs in Peel Square.

The late Gaz Lovett (he’s not dead, he’s just never on time) agreed to meet me to talk over what really happened, give me an insight and quash the rumours that have been on everyone’s lips. “We imploded!! Simple as that. We thought about changing the name of the band to Prozac Sprout in order to make a fresh start” exclaimed the man who has been described as the Barnsley Bez or ‘Bernie’ from weekend at Bernies. “Nobody could prepare us for the fans, girls, money and fame that came our way in such a short space of time. We started to raise money for charity but quickly spent all of that on strippers and coke. One time I remember I was dripping with fanny, wall to wall it was. I tried to throw a tele out of the window but it was one of these new LCD ones and the window was double glazed so it just bounced back. The muthafucking intent was there though!”

Now his fortune is depleted I asked him how he funded his habits and if he’d managed to quell any of them? “It’s been a long journey of discovery” he exclaimed. “You might find it hard to believe but my two worst vices were smoking and masturbation…I was a forty a day man, and I smoked like a chimney an all. I have re-established myself into society, you have to. It’s a dog eat dog eat another dog world out there. I just wish Norbert was here to see me now, that’s my biggest regret.”

The well publicised disappearance of Norbert has never been solved. Some say he is working on a fruit picking farm in Cornwall and walks about the place in bare feet all the time. Others question whether his body survived the torrid years of abuse. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing everything you read. The famous incident where he fell overboard and had to be rescued made the front page of the national papers. The sensationalism of the press failed to inform the record buying public that the boating lake attendant just waded out and got him. If he wasn’t poppered off his moobs then he’d have simply stood up himself.

Gaz went on…”I still see Matt from time to time. He always lead a simple life though, he’s more the Jason Orange of the band, always shunning the limelight so he can still walk around the meat and fish market and buy some crab flavour chunks for his dinner without being mobbed. Sometimes he’d just sit on the mushroom with Kipper and watch the world go by. Neil Ritchie is still producing and I’ll let you into a secret now. Whitey? He never existed. The name is just a pseudonym, an alias, an alter ego that was created to wind people up on social media…and the man behind it?? I’ve got hold something back”. Well, Will.I.Nivver.


© 2017 by Digital Saxon for Ace Things Production Studio.